The Transgender Show

This is my first episode of the transgender show. Each week, I'll be interviewing someone from the transgender community and sharing my story and answering some questions at the end. My guest tonight is no stranger to most of you.

I met her through this Twitch universe. Mainly Madison agreed to be my first victim, basically. And not only that I owe her a great deal of gratitude because she's already done this show three times because I had to try and work out the bugs. So I've, I've essentially, this'll be the third time I've interviewed her for about an hour.

Welcome. Mainly Madison. You can hear the thunderous applause in the background. Hi friends. How, and when did you get involved with the transvengers? Oh ok I probably found Megan in October or so.

I didn't know who she was. I don't remember how I found her. I really don't. There's some rando on the internet.

Yeah, like it, it was just, I got on Instagram to kind of document. My one month, every, every month I took a picture of my transition and she went live on Twitch in December of 2019. And I think I'm her first sub and first follower. I'm not real sure, but I think that's accurate. So you've been a big supporter of hers from the beginning.

That's amazing. yeah, I have. And it was just because I identified with her story. And what she went through was kind of similar to what I went through. And then especially following the other trans vengers Victoria Maximus, McKayla, Ville, and maiden Ariana, I identified with them a lot different pieces of their story.

And that's how I got involved. And I ended up being hast to mod Megan's channel. Thank you, Jennifer. You're the reason I'm a mod here on Megan's channel. And then from there went to Tori and Ari and transvengers and I've just been really. I was around at a, at a point that was helpful for them.

And I will appreciate that forever because I don't feel like I did anything special for them. I just tried to do my best. And so I feel very fortunate to be a part of the trans vengers. To get to mod, these amazing women that inspire a whole lot of people on multiple platforms. And that's it.

That's, that's kinda how I got involved with this. That's great. Yeah. I feel like the trans vengers show came along at a great time for both of us. Is this the first Tran transgender community? You've been a part of the first LGBT community. Yeah, it is. I had actually been on Twitch for about 13, 14 months before Megan got on.

But Megan's Twitch and her Instagram was very much the first time that I was involved in the transgender community posting my monthly update photos. I had a few people that noticed and looked and liked and that is great. But it really wasn't until I met Megan. And she actually promoted one of my posts that, that kind of took off a little bit and I got more involved and more active helping the people that I can help in the way that I know how to help.

Well, that kind of covers my next question. So what was your, what was your background like? Let's dig into your history a little bit. What was where did you grow up? I grew up in Dallas, Texas. I went to church every single Sunday in the morning. And at night I went to church on Wednesday. And my parents went to church on Monday to do visitation.

So it was a very, very conservative kind of background for me, for sure. How would you say your childhood was just kind of generally, my family was extremely conservative. We very, very much were conservative. Obviously as I said, we went to church a whole lot. We were, we were in church more often than we weren't in.

And so you, you, me, I grew up with the idea and that alternative lifestyles were not okay. They were not acceptable. You didn't even kind of consider that sort of lifestyle because it, it just, it, it wasn't acceptable. You know, it wasn't all right. So feel that way. So you just didn't. Yeah, but for me it was probably, it was for sure.

I remember the moment in sixth grade, we were getting ready to go to middle school the next year. And so we had to pick electives that we wanted to do. And. A whole lot of girls in my class, we're picking cheerleading. And on our lunch break, we, if you got finished with lunch, you could go outside and just play.

And when that happened, they were going outside and they were working on their tumbling and their cheerleading and everything like that. And I remember that was sixth grade. I was 11 years old and I remember thinking. I want to be one of them. Once these pieces started to fall into place for you, it took a very long time. I want to be in that group. I want to be one of the girls.

How was being part of really religious family? How did that affect your transition? It took an extremely long time because. As kids, we, we have foundation stones in and our minds that you're supposed to live a certain way.

You're supposed to do a certain thing. And when you're growing up, and this is how your parents tell you your spouse to live and act and be, then those become a foundation. And so for a long time, for me fitting into that was a foundation stone. And that meant that has a good Christian man then high should.

Be in love with Jesus and I should be going to church every week and I should find a wife and we should start a family and, and how I should want to be the provider of the family. And there's a lot of things that go with the expectation of a conservative Christian household. And it wasn't me. Yeah, it wasn't my life. I, I didn't really want to go to church from about the time I was in eighth or ninth. I was kind of over it. I thought I was just going, because I was expected to go. My parents made me go, I was singing the songs because, Hey, we're all singing. Let's do it. Yay. This is super fun.

And I listened to the sermon because they, my parents were my ride. So I couldn't really leave until that was over captive. Honest. Yeah. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. And so I spent a lot of time trying to be the person that my, that my Southern Baptist. Cause that's what it is. Chat. I was Southern Baptist.

My Southern Baptist upcoming taught me to be, yeah, it's very ingrained in. These things that you're supposed to do and anything outside of that is, is not accepted. And so it's a very scary emotionally and mentally, especially to, to break yourself away from what the norm is for that sort of house.

And it sounds like you were kind of coming to this realization of, you know, maybe church isn't fitting with me and you were seeing these things with like the cheerleader squad and things that you were starting to identify with. So what was that about, you know, sixth grade, a little bit later than that, is that kind of, when you started to realize that you really were different, that there really was something kind of fundamentally different, that what that wasn't matching with that, that ideal from the.

Sixth grade was the first time that I had a thought that I was different. Obviously the Mo most of the boys in sixth grade are not identifying with the girls who want to be cheerleaders, but you push that aside. Your, your upbringing upbringing tells you to push that aside. And then in ninth grade, I got.

By my parents, I was working for my dad at the time at a sporting goods store and they had cheerleading uniforms and I took one home one time. And my mom found it and I was confronting. With a skirt and asked why had it, which in, I in ninth grade that would have been 1999. I didn't understand what transgender was.

That, that wasn't really a word that we used at that point. But, you know, I can't even remember when I became aware of the word transgender actually, now that you know, that you mentioned that. Yeah, exactly. It wasn't, it wasn't in 1999 for me, for sure. And when that confrontation happens I obviously didn't want to talk about it.

I was very embarrassed as, as a good Christian boy. I was quite embarrassed. When did you finally first identify as trans? Was that really. It was pretty recently. I went through a couple of relationships that I thought were going to end in marriage. Both of them had, we had talked about marriage.

One, we had picked a ring out and we were living together and then that ended had. I never could quite figure out why, why that had happened. Like, it didn't quite make sense to me, like, well, I mean, this, this seem really good. We were, we were, we were doing pretty good together, then this stuff happened and it wasn't until last, actually last June that I realized it was because I was trying to be in a relationship.

And that's why it wasn't working. Was I wasn't a man in a relationship. I was a girl in a relationship. And I wasn't willing to be honest with the other person about that. Yeah. Because I wasn't ready to accept myself as trans. And so last. Because that that meant giving up a pretty big lifetime of, for me, religious belief, I had to give up a lot of my religion to accept who I was.

And that's a very, that's a really difficult thing to do when it's a foundation stone. That's a very, very hard when it's such a big part of your story. Yeah. My dad has been amazing since I came out. He calls me the correct name pretty much every time he's still, he's still struggling with the pronouns, but that's okay.

That's not a big deal. We're we're not even a full year in, so that's not a big deal. My mom refuses to use my correct name or pronouns. She's she's the one who got physically violent with me when she found out I was trying. So I'm trying not to expect too much out of that one, but it could be, it could be a lot worse for me.

It, it, it could be way, way worse for me and it's not. And so I try to always appreciate. The situation that I'm in, even if it's not my favorite situation, I obviously, I would love my mom and dad to both just be like, this is great. We love you. We're going to call you the right name. We're going to use your pronouns and everything's going to be fine.

We just want you to be happy, but it's okay. It's not a big deal. And I think that's where a lot of trans people. I have to get, especially at the beginning of their journey is accepting that things aren't going to happen in the timeframe that we want them to. That's just not how this works. That's not how life works at the same time.

I think we don't have any idea how important it is for our parents to give up their child. One of the things my mom said was, I feel like my son is dying. I feel like I'm losing my son. And that's hard for me to understand for sure, because it's like, yeah, but you have a daughter, so it doesn't really make any difference.

It's it's not a big deal. A lot of, I don't know why you're focusing on the gender part of it, but also. I didn't carry a kid inside me for nine months and I didn't raise that kid and make sure that kids stayed alive and, and love that kid who was a male for 33 years. I didn't have to do that. So I'm trying to do my best of not judging her for.

Me being upset because I'm definitely upset. It's extremely hard for me to know that I'm being misnamed and mis-gendered on purpose. Yeah. That sucks. That's really shitty. It's shitty to feel that way. I also don't know where she's coming from at all, because I've never been in her shoes. I still have a cordial relationship with my mom.

Like we, we still see each other and we still talk and everything, but I know that I'm going to be in a miss name. If she texts me, she's going to use my old name. I don't, I don't really like saying dead name. Cause we're not dad. We're the same person. She's she's going to use my whole name. She's going to use my old gender.

And

there's definitely going to be a point for me where I say I'm done. I, I'm not going to accept this anymore. Me and my sister talked about that yesterday for, well over an hour about how it hurts me that that happens and how long you. Let it happen before you end a relationship with a parent, but I think that should be up to everybody individually.

You have to decide that for yourself. And that's what my sister said was you have to figure that out on your own. And if you do get to a point where you think this has been a long enough time that this is enough, and if they can't respect me, then they can't be in my life. Then you should do that.

Absolutely. But until you're there, leave it open. Let, let them come to terms with things themselves, just like we had to, it took me 34 years to come to terms with myself and expecting a parent who's been around for every single day of that, of those 34 years to come around in six months. That's that's a little silly.

This is not a decision to take lightly. This is something that you need to think about for, for a long time. You really need to consider your relationship with your friends and family or parents or whoever it is that you hold very close. And if you do get to a point, yeah. You, you're not okay with the way that they're treating you and how they're accepting you, then you definitely should do something about it.

And that's going to be different for all of us, but don't go into something I know within the first. Three months of me transitioning. I was getting upset that my mom wasn't saying the right name. And I w I just want to be like, I'm done. I'm not going to talk to you ever again. You suck, but that's just not the way to do it.

So are you fully out at this point with everyone? And I mean, in the majority of aspects of your life, I guess everyone's like kind of a, so I came out to a lot of people individually last July on. 19th of last year is when I came out publicly on Facebook to everyone and just told them who I was.

I started taking hormones on August 22nd. So just a few days later. And I've been mostly out at work since I came out probably. On Facebook. There's still days obviously where I just kind of dress. However I want, I don't try to address overtly feminine. And a lot of days recently I don't wear makeup because there's nothing to do at work.

I'm going to watch YouTube most of the day. So what is the point? You know, We all like to use, to say that we put on makeup for ourselves and not other people. Quarantine absolutely proved that that's a load of bullshit

because none of us were putting on makeup every single day of quarantine. Like I do this for myself.

There's always a bit of show in it. Right. And when you don't have anybody to show off, Was the point there. I mean, come on. I know I'm pretty. I want everybody else to know. So what are some of the significant events from when you came out, who is somebody that, that has supported you, that you were surprised by, that you weren't expecting to be behind you?

Or at least as much as, as they have been.

Hi there wasn't a whole lot of people. When I came out that I thought weren't going to support me. There's some people who don't support me that I thought would but not really the other way around so much. I, I think all of us have that same sort of fear that no one is going to support us.

Like every single person is just going to be like way, what is. And almost I, for me anyways, I don't want to speak for anybody else's experience, but for me, most of the people were like, cool. That's awesome. I'm super happy for you. So there really wasn't anybody who I thought was going to support me that didn't again, there were, there were other way around.

Th there wasn't anybody that, that I thought I'm going to really talk to them. And they're going to be cool with it. And then they absolutely weren't. Hey, except my mom. So, so timeline, where would you say you are in your journey right now? How far along? I guess, as far as where I kind of envisioned myself and mentally.

Maybe I'm halfway to that point. There are still definitely some things physically that I want to see be different. There's more things mentally that I want to see be different, but at the same time, I think kind of like we've talked about earlier. If you go into a transition with a whole lot of expectations, you're probably going to be disabled.

Because all of our transitions are different, their own transitions and nobody's is going to be the same. So if you look at these people on social media or on Twitch or whatever, wherever you see these people that you admire and you look up to, if you look at their transition in their journey and say, hi, should be here at this point, you're probably going to be.

I probably where I personally want to be. I'm probably about halfway where I would like to be. Oh, that's awesome. But I don't think that it's one of those one year is my halfway. I think the second half of where I want to be is going to take much longer than the first half. I was so happy to hear.

Ariana. And that's maiden Ariana on Twitch and on Instagram, for those of you that want to follow her. She said that it was the hormones that did the stuff that got her most of the way that they got her almost all the way there, or pretty much most of the way there, like did the most significant thing.

And then that surgeries were just icing on the cake. You know, that you get to a point in your transition where there are some questions that you really start to need to answer. It kind of starts to freak you out. And so, like I said, it was really, it really helped me to hear RA say that it was the hormones that did everything for her, that she was hoping for and then deciding to do the surgeries was just sort of an icing on the cake and completed the package.

That was what she wanted. If you start a transition with your goal, being that you want to pass as female. You're going to fail. That's that is not the goal of transitioning. That is not what you should look for. I have a hard time with that, a lot, really hard time with that exceptionally hard time with that, because we all want to pass.

We all want to just go out in the world and be accepted as women. And everybody just sees us as a woman that might not happen. And that's okay. It's about. Loving who you are and loving the life that you're living. And one thing that even already has said is surgeries are not, is that's not, what's going to make you happy.

If you're not happy before a surgery, you're not going to be happy after. So. Figure out how to be happy inside yourself. And that may take a lot longer than any kind of physical transformation that you're going to make, whether it's through hormones or surgeries or whatever. However, you're going to make that transformation.

The transformation in yourself and in your heart and mind is what's going to be the most important part of anyone's transition. What are you most trying to work on about yourself? And your transition being totally honest. It's my sexuality. It wasn't something that was ever in question for me before I started hormones.

And it's something that is definitely a question for me. Since I've, I've progressed through hormones. Interesting. I've told myself that. Sexuality, my sexual preference. Isn't a hindrance to starting HRT. Like I tell myself I'm not afraid of my sexual preference changing. Whoa. We'll see what that actually, how that actually plays out.

How have you found that? I don't think I was afraid of it before I started hoarding. But I didn't think it would change like a hundred percent. I did not think it was going to change. I have a single gay friend and before I started hormones, he was like pretty confident. You're a, you're going to be gay by the end of this.

And I was like, you can shut your mouth. You can shut up right now. And as I progressed through hormones,

He might've been right

a little bit, but I have definitely found because especially coming from a religious background there's always that thought in the back of your mind, that sexuality, is it. That, that you do decide who you were attracted to. And that's a very hard thing to let go of. Especially as a religious foundation stone.

And once I started HRT and I just started having feelings about things, it was like, oh, wow, no, I didn't wake up this morning going. Really feeling that way really feel now way a whole lot. It just happened. It was just a thing that happened. I think that's another thing that, that, that bolsters our argument, that like, you really can't expect anything out of your transition.

You just have to let it be what it is. And you have to accept everything about yourself and your body and what happens as it happens and cut yourself so much. Like, especially sexuality wise. I would have pushed against how I feel right now. Like extremely hard in, in my past life. Like I would have absolutely just be like, no way, no chance.

That's not a thing. I am never going to feel that way. I don't want to feel that way at all. This sucks, like blah. And now it's just like, I don't care. Like, I love a certain person and, and whatever that means in a sexuality type of way, I don't care. Like I love them and I've kind of found that's really, all that matters is how I connect to another person.

And. If I connect to them in a way that is good for me and, and makes my life better than that's the most important part of it. So, you know, sexuality be damned. What were some of your biggest breakthroughs in self-acceptance and understanding who you are as a trans woman along your journey? There's two for sure.

I can think of like right off. The first was going to get women's clothes for the first time I knew I needed, I had lost a ton of weight since I had come out. I had to go get new jeans. Like I didn't have a choice, had to go get new jeans, but I went to old Navy deer the day on my lunch break, and immediately just walked to the women's section.

I bought a couple of pair of jeans and I went to the fitting room, made sure they fit the first couple of pairs didn't went back, got a knee, got another couple of barriers. Wow. Like didn't, didn't give a poop. There was multiple women around me, like not looking at me cause they didn't give a shit.

They're not looking at me. They're by their own damn jeans. They don't care. And so once I got the sizes and I think I went from getting the jeans to go into the fitting room, like three times. And try them on and then go into the register by myself, pay in a forum. And I remember I was terrified when I went to pay up for him.

Like he was a guy that was checking me out and I was like, oh, he's, he's going to be like, why are you buying women's jeans? Hey, he's going to ask me the question is specifically like, he's going to be the one person in my entire. At a register here's been like, why are you buying these clothes? That's never happened.

This never happened to any of us. Nobody's ever gone to a registered. Either their preferred gender or their expected gender clothes. And the person at the register is like, why are you buying these gender of club? That's never happened three years in. I was still afraid of that. Like, you know, we were terrified of it.

Like we're so scared the first time for sure. I was terrified. No one cares. They're not watching you and any. So that was the first time that I ever like put myself out there and I was like, okay, I'm going to go do this on my own. When was the first time that you, have you ever told anybody that you were shopping for yourself in the women's section when you were kind of presenting mail?

Now that was something that I did that before anybody asked me,

well, that's not true.

Okay, I've got, I've got two rules. You can't watch the chat and you can't lie to me all right. Way before I ever came out way before he even knew that I was trans, I knew that I liked women's clothing. And so I had ordered something online. It didn't fit. I knew that I could go to the store and exchange the size.

It took like three weeks for me to be like, oh, go to the store, I'll go to the store. And I'll just tell them it's from my girlfriend. This'll be fine. Feel like my girlfriend or the broad sides. It's not like they were going to ask, like they were going to give a shit at all. I'm just trying to get the hell out of that, right?

Yeah. They wouldn't have, if I hadn't brought it up and so gave back the clothes that I ordered that didn't fit, went over to find the same thing. They might fit. Cause I kind of knew what size might fit and a woman walked by and she was like, I'm pretty sure you'd look better in the red. And I was like, I thought I was going to pee myself.

I was just like, they know, they know.

And of course they didn't, somebody just made a comment. But I think I like that. It's just emblematic. I think about how all of us feel like we think that they are there, that people are watching us. They're paying attention to us. They're not like, I don't know how to express that to people in their transition.

Like, especially early, when you, when you're trying to do things on your own, you people aren't watching you, people aren't paying attention to you. They don't care. What you're doing and that's not to be callous. Like people don't care about you, but they don't. When you go to a store, when you, when you're going to buy things, even if it's just groceries, nobody's paying attention to what's happening on the milk you just got.

Nobody cares. And I think you have all of us just kind of accepted that earlier in our transitions that we would get a lot more accomplished. Let's get to some of the questions that, that, well some more questions that will help other, you know, younger trans people or closeted trans people. What do you most wish people understood about being trans?

It's not a choice.

I absolutely wish people realized more that it was not a choice. No, I don't think any of us would, if we could. None of us would wake up tomorrow and, and go, you know what? I want to be ostracized. I want to be discounted. I want to be a target of violence. I want to be someone that the law considers is an other.

I want to be somebody that school districts, when I'm a kid think our per. I don't think any of us would choose this. But I think that's what we have to all accept is that we didn't, we didn't choose this, this, this is who we are. This is how we are. This is how we feel. And there's nothing wrong with that.

We're all valid. We're all worthy. We all deserve to have a happy life. No, we didn't choose this, but this is who we are and we're okay. Do you have any other advice? I think you've covered a lot of great advice pieces here for young or closeted trans people, but I, I, you know, any, any closing thoughts on, on.

Do things at your own pace. That's, that's probably the best advice I could give. Any, any person who is thinking about transitioning or who has started transitioning, do it at your own pace? We're going through something. No one else has experienced in the way they were going to experience it. Because no one else has the same story that we have all of our stories, our own.

So don't compare yourself to other people don't. Yeah, don't worry about where they were in a transition at a certain point. Don't worry about how they looked at a transition or, or how they look during a transition or how they looked after a transition. Don't worry about other people. If you find inspiration in their story, then, then take that and internalize that and appreciate that for what they could give you.

But you do things in your own time. Then that's good enough. That's what matters most, you matter most you're the most important person in your own life live that way? Who is someone that you look up to and still kind of follow and who are your current inspirations in the community? Yeah, that sorts of Megan that starts with Megan bound.

But I would not be in my transition where I am without her. I really would not because even though I don't remember how I found her, I identify with her story. And that's, that's what, that's one thing that I think that you should look for. If you're trying to find an inspiration on social media, look for somebody whose story.

You identify with that's, what's important, not how popular they are, but how, how they impact your own life. And a lot of things that it seems like she's kind of gone through, I've gone through to Victoria Maximus, especially we have gone. Through very, very similar religious backgrounds that have our stories line up a lot religiously in what we've had to deal with in our transitions.

So she's been very important for me as well. Somebody who is been important, probably one of my first people. That I followed was Erica. I think on tumbler when I very first came out within a couple of weeks of coming out, I got on tumbler to find people that I could relate to and authentic. Erica was one of them.

And I followed her on tumbler. I moved with her to Instagram and, and she's been very inspirational. Somebody at the very, very, very beginning. And I don't follow quite as much anymore, but somebody who, the first part of my transition was very influential. Was Kayla Ward on tumbler was Kayla Kayla, Adam Ward on Instagram is Kayla Ward.

She's she's pretty far through your, her transition, which is one of the reasons that I don't follow her quite as much right now. Cause I've, I find people who are a little closer to where I am just for a little bit more personal part of it, but she was very important for me at the very beginning.

Just to see somebody who had gone through all of the stuff. And I had come out the other side as somebody who is just living a true life. And as their life together, this, this year, she is trying out for the, the w NBA. She's going to be the first trans woman to have her trial for the WWE NBA. That's wonderful.

And so I'm really stoked for her. I hope that goes well for her. But yeah, those are the. Obviously through, through Megan and then Tori, I found Ari and I found Mika, but yeah, I would say for my transition, Megan bound has been the most important person in my life. Again, I can't thank you enough for being here and being willing to be my first guest on the show.

No matter what happens with the show, no matter where it goes, you will always be my first guest. You'll always be the one who started this off and I can't thank you enough for that. Absolutely. I'm very honored to, to be your first.

Really hard not to get emotional. Yeah. Y'all, I'm tearing up right now, but I have a lot of eyeliner on, so I, I got a chill with that. Okay. So thank you all for watching. Thank you for your questions and tune in next Monday to watch my good friend, Ellen Ford.